Does anyone ever see what is in the mirror?

Most Americans at least look at a mirror at some point during their day. Do you ever think they actually 'see' whats there? This morning on the way to work, not sure if its because it was 0400 or I was still half asleep, something hit me. Well, not literally, but we will just say the light bulb went off in my head! With everything going on with Chris and huge speed bumps that I have had to overcome the last 5 weeks, something finally lit up my brain. Seeing a 'different' Chris right now is like looking in a mirror at myself over a year ago. I wondered if what I am seeing, is what he saw? Could it be? The Chris I knew and fell in love with was so caring, so gentle with me. Someone who always wanted to be around me. The Chris I see now, isn't the same. I changed him. I look at him and see myself. How cold I was, how uncaring, how ugly. I don't mean that the way it sounds. But thats probably what he encountered every day for over 6 months. How totally ugly could I be? It saddens me that I can't go back and change it. I can't apologize enough and I don't think there's enough apologies in me to make him understand. That every day that goes by and my life isn't the way I want it, reiterates how horrible of a person I was. My punishment, every day. I don't think time will ever fix it with Chris. Its no wonder he has a deep down hatred for me. Who wouldn't.

I hope that time will let him see that I am not the same person. That this entire nightmare that I live everyday, has changed me. The thought, everyday, further instills that the behavior I exibited is not compatible with any type of a relationship of any kind. Especially one as important as him and I.

I hope that he can let his wall down sooner than later. I hate that he is this way. Its definately NOT the Chris I know. Is there any love for me left in his heart? Can it grow enough to tear his wall down and come back to me? I can only hope!