Marathon of life?

So I woke up yesterday, you know that point where whatever you were dreaming comes flashing back through your mind? Most of the time I can't remember my dreams....but I got up and immediately remember being in a marathon with Mike on I-77 in the middle of nowhere with no one around. Mostly of what I remember was Mike having these wicked blue running shoes on. You know that beautiful Carolina Blue.

So those weren't actually the shoes, they were much prettier, but I couldn't find a picture to do my dream justice. Anyways, so I texted Mike and told him about the dream. Later yesterday I got the interpretation back: "To dream that you are running in a marathon, represents life's journey and how you are performing or feeling. It is symbolic of your endurance and willpower. Consider how you feel about the marathon and how you are approaching it." So then he continued to add "If I'm in it with you and you are not chasing me and I'm not chasing you, then perhaps there are loose ends you feel need tied up. This dream didn't include leather or me calling you dominatrix? If it did, it might relate to my dream."

Ok, so I read that, about fell off the chair in the office. However, with the 1st read, I didn't see the last sentence. It wasn't until I was reading it to Shellie, that I actually read the last sentence.

But WOW, what an interpretation. How about right on. Lifes journey. Yep, that about sums it up. I may just go by a dream interpretation dictionary. However, that would mean I would have to remember what dreams I have, right?

Does anyone ever see what is in the mirror?

Most Americans at least look at a mirror at some point during their day. Do you ever think they actually 'see' whats there? This morning on the way to work, not sure if its because it was 0400 or I was still half asleep, something hit me. Well, not literally, but we will just say the light bulb went off in my head! With everything going on with Chris and huge speed bumps that I have had to overcome the last 5 weeks, something finally lit up my brain. Seeing a 'different' Chris right now is like looking in a mirror at myself over a year ago. I wondered if what I am seeing, is what he saw? Could it be? The Chris I knew and fell in love with was so caring, so gentle with me. Someone who always wanted to be around me. The Chris I see now, isn't the same. I changed him. I look at him and see myself. How cold I was, how uncaring, how ugly. I don't mean that the way it sounds. But thats probably what he encountered every day for over 6 months. How totally ugly could I be? It saddens me that I can't go back and change it. I can't apologize enough and I don't think there's enough apologies in me to make him understand. That every day that goes by and my life isn't the way I want it, reiterates how horrible of a person I was. My punishment, every day. I don't think time will ever fix it with Chris. Its no wonder he has a deep down hatred for me. Who wouldn't.

I hope that time will let him see that I am not the same person. That this entire nightmare that I live everyday, has changed me. The thought, everyday, further instills that the behavior I exibited is not compatible with any type of a relationship of any kind. Especially one as important as him and I.

I hope that he can let his wall down sooner than later. I hate that he is this way. Its definately NOT the Chris I know. Is there any love for me left in his heart? Can it grow enough to tear his wall down and come back to me? I can only hope!

More drywall dust and painting...

I had kept putting off the renovations that needed done in my bedroom. Well, until this weekend. It wasn't going to get done unless I did it, so I took the weekend off (from work) and got up early Saturday and started.

I loved the blue, but I was going with Comfort Gray, a Restoration Hardware color. Its a blend of green, blue and gray. Depending on how you look at it and how the light hits it, it brings out different colors. Again, recommended by my personal decorator Emilee! :)

The ceiling came down first. Like everything else, this is the quickest part of the process. There weren't too many imperfections underneath so this may be one of the easiest ceilings.

Spackling, sanding...done! Now off to primer and paint. Got one good coat of ceiling primer up, rechecked all the spots. Looked good, so on went the ceiling paint. I didn't, however, take the ceiling fan down yet-mainly because i can't find one I like for the room. So ultimately, when I do, there will be some painting and sanding Ill have to do around the fan spot. But other than that, it looks pretty good.

Had to run out to Home Depot to get some more Comfort Gray, as I thought I had enough but didn't. I went ahead a got a few gallons, since Allisons room is next and my bathroom are all going to be the same color.

Lauren's room is already this color and takes on more of a green tone, but my room seems to take on the gray color. I love it! Ceiling looks good, walls look good. Now off to order a new bedroom set.

Actually before I get a new bedroom suit, I need new carpet. Ill probably work on that this week or next. But Ill probably start looking at beds, just so that I can get something ordered. Then I need to complete my closet. Thats probably going to take more than a weekend! Im going to have to recruit for some additional help!

4 weeks....

Today marks 4 weeks to the day that I began a path to a changed person. One statement that has changed my outlook on a lot of things. When Allison was born and then I was pregnant with Lauren, I wondered how I could love another child as much as I loved Allison. For some reason, there was enough to go around. I have recently learned how much love I have for someone that I want to share the rest of my life with. It wasn't until I realized that he may not be there, how much I loved him. I had to confront my feelings and also how to deal with them and how to address things Ive never had to address before.

For those of you that know me, know I have a bit of a hard time letting people in. You ask why? I have a hard time trusting people and actually believing that the passion I have for something or someone could be recipricated to me. Really? Could there be someone that actually would love me as much as I love them? No way!

I have sent emails, I have made statements, I have tried to the ends of trying and am stuck not knowing what else to do. I can't put into words in order to make everything right. My wall, my hardness, my not letting people in just may have cost me my soulmate.

I have learned a hard lesson. One that will affect me every day for the rest of my life. There is no going back to the old 'me'. Never, there can't be.

Ever changing weather....

I thought over the last year that the forecast was pretty good! Little did I know that there was a storm brewing that I new nothing about. Not sure if thats called 'the perfect storm' or what, but the aftermath sucks. I was not only clouded by my feelings, my eyes weren't even open enough to see that Chris was passing me by. I really thought that our time apart over the last year would make us both see what was really important. I thought that time apart (even though we kept in touch) would show how we really felt about each other. Obviously, Chris didn't see things like I did. I guess we were good at not seeing the same thing. Most, if not all of this is my fault. My fault for not opening up and telling him how I felt all along, instead of hiding my feelings deep inside.

Applications in...Ecuador here we come!

2nd meeting for Ecuador trip. Applications in, pictures taken, teams built. We are ready to go. Good to see Dwayne again. We have determined we have to have the best team ever. Diane showed up, after talking Ed into this trip being way better than a new refridgerator. Who needs food anyways? And, she surprised me by being on the medical team and not construction, so I made sure Dwayne knew to get Diane on our team! Woot Woot!

We each had to get a picture taken with our name on a piece of paper. We are already starting pranks....Im Brad!

We look alot alike, don't we? No one will ever know the difference. ha ha. We are already planning our week. Rumor has it that all three teams are heading to the 'tent city' that Cherine went to last year. There were over 6000 people needing medical assistance, so hopefully with all three teams, we can get most of them seen. The next rumor was that we are going to head to the island that is about a 2-hour boat ride to an area that has never had any medical attention. I think all three teams are heading there too. Wow, what an experience this is going to be. Totally awesome!

Purple Haze Team....not too shabby folks!

Questions.....

"There are some questions I need to ask you". That was the statement. Is that 'good' questions, or 'bad' questions? I don't think sometimes people realize how much stress is in a question or in a statement. Especially since its another 4 days until I find out. I probably made the biggest mistake of my life about a year ago. And I think Tuesday night will support that statement. Again, another choice I made, that I have to live with. I can't change anything from the past, and most things, I wouldn't want to. However, I can change today and tomorrow and so forth. So with that said, I will try to NOT think about what 'questions' Im going to be asked and try to focus on today! Its not that easy.