Dear Chris

Over the last 2 months I have had to take a hard look at life and most importantly, myself.  I realized over two months ago what I always knew but was afraid to deal with.  I took a chance, poured everything out, made myself completely vulnerable and all I ended up with is hurt.  I never said you were ever a liar.  I always said that you had a huge heart and were always very caring-something I thought were great qualities.  But it seems like all of that has changed.  I guess I felt like you were always 'the one' from the day I told you I would marry you in a second.  Communication was my problem and things that you wanted to talk about I never took seriously.  I have learned (the hard way) that type of communication would never make a relationship work.  I can move on past the Lisa issues, because thats important to you and because of that its important to me.  And including her in life is fine, again, because its important to you and we must be on the same page.  Things that, before, I never looked at.  I wanted everything my way, what I wanted and when I wanted it.  But I guess all in all, everything you said to me over the last 9 weeks has really been to get me to this point of moving on.  I asked you to not say you loved me if it didn't come from the heart, yet you still say it.  You say you miss me and the girls.  You say 'if there wasn't a possibility, I would tell you".  Would you?  I have asked numerous times for you just to tell me if you didn't think this could work.  You never did.  Yet I guess what people tell you throughout life "actions speak louder than words" Really says it all.  I have asked you numerous times to do things, yet it seems like almost every time, there is a reason it doesn't work.  You don't call.  If I did mean anything and there was something in your heart, I feel like there would be some effort some sort of communication.  One thing I cannot budge on is a friendship, and maybe thats the excuse you can use to why we wont work.  But, yes, we were friends, but then the relationship changed and unfortunately I can't go back to just being friends.  Maybe one day you can understand that.  I hope one day, that you can-I really do.  I truly love you with all my heart and it is easier for me to not think of you at all than to have you in my life but not have you.  Six months ago when you were in the mountains, I reread that email and completely took the email differently now than how I read it six months ago.  You were still dropping hints at wanting to be together...six months ago.  My response today would have been completely different.  The email you sent me after I kissed you.  Where are those feelings?  How can you throw everything for 3 years away in a few months?  Maybe I don't want to know.  I understand you are scared, but if we are in it together-that should count for something.  Just as when I say I love you-to me that means the world, I don't just throw those words out there.

All I know is that for the most part we were very happy together.  You made me happier than any other man.  And I believe I made you very happy.  I knew that day that I could definately spend the rest of my life with you.  And I believe you thought I was the one too.  The kids loved you and for the most part, without a piece of paper, we were a family.  That feeling alone should mean something.  I can't apologize for the rest of my life, I can't attempt to explain in a way that you will understand to make everything right for you.  I know you hope to wake up one day and have an answer, but in order for that to happen you must make a decision, right or wrong for you to then know if that decision was the right one.