Dear Chris

Over the last 2 months I have had to take a hard look at life and most importantly, myself.  I realized over two months ago what I always knew but was afraid to deal with.  I took a chance, poured everything out, made myself completely vulnerable and all I ended up with is hurt.  I never said you were ever a liar.  I always said that you had a huge heart and were always very caring-something I thought were great qualities.  But it seems like all of that has changed.  I guess I felt like you were always 'the one' from the day I told you I would marry you in a second.  Communication was my problem and things that you wanted to talk about I never took seriously.  I have learned (the hard way) that type of communication would never make a relationship work.  I can move on past the Lisa issues, because thats important to you and because of that its important to me.  And including her in life is fine, again, because its important to you and we must be on the same page.  Things that, before, I never looked at.  I wanted everything my way, what I wanted and when I wanted it.  But I guess all in all, everything you said to me over the last 9 weeks has really been to get me to this point of moving on.  I asked you to not say you loved me if it didn't come from the heart, yet you still say it.  You say you miss me and the girls.  You say 'if there wasn't a possibility, I would tell you".  Would you?  I have asked numerous times for you just to tell me if you didn't think this could work.  You never did.  Yet I guess what people tell you throughout life "actions speak louder than words" Really says it all.  I have asked you numerous times to do things, yet it seems like almost every time, there is a reason it doesn't work.  You don't call.  If I did mean anything and there was something in your heart, I feel like there would be some effort some sort of communication.  One thing I cannot budge on is a friendship, and maybe thats the excuse you can use to why we wont work.  But, yes, we were friends, but then the relationship changed and unfortunately I can't go back to just being friends.  Maybe one day you can understand that.  I hope one day, that you can-I really do.  I truly love you with all my heart and it is easier for me to not think of you at all than to have you in my life but not have you.  Six months ago when you were in the mountains, I reread that email and completely took the email differently now than how I read it six months ago.  You were still dropping hints at wanting to be together...six months ago.  My response today would have been completely different.  The email you sent me after I kissed you.  Where are those feelings?  How can you throw everything for 3 years away in a few months?  Maybe I don't want to know.  I understand you are scared, but if we are in it together-that should count for something.  Just as when I say I love you-to me that means the world, I don't just throw those words out there.

All I know is that for the most part we were very happy together.  You made me happier than any other man.  And I believe I made you very happy.  I knew that day that I could definately spend the rest of my life with you.  And I believe you thought I was the one too.  The kids loved you and for the most part, without a piece of paper, we were a family.  That feeling alone should mean something.  I can't apologize for the rest of my life, I can't attempt to explain in a way that you will understand to make everything right for you.  I know you hope to wake up one day and have an answer, but in order for that to happen you must make a decision, right or wrong for you to then know if that decision was the right one.

Bachelor Party Shopping.....

Raf, Shellie and I actually met at One the Border in Cary for lunch and then headed out for our 'plan of attack' for Nathan's Tool Box shopping!  1st stop Priscilla's on Western Blvd.  We learned during this shopping ordeal that Rafeal really is in the wrong line of work.  While Shellie and I took our time, Rafeal was all over the place!  At least we entertained the staff!  They invited us back.  Im sure that they haven't had anyone in there so 'entertaining'.

Next we headed to Adam & Eve.  It used to be on Glenwood across from Chili's but we figured out they had moved.  They are still on Glenwood but out toward the airport but before BrierCreek!  Upstairs and a bigger store.  Here we go for Round 2.

Shellie told me Im getting those silver pants for Christmas!  I think I want some of the shoes!

Again, Rafeal wasted no time! ha ha.  We entertained this store too!  We even grabbed another customer to take this picture!  We could have bought too much stuff.  But all in all it was a good day!

We ended up stopping by Target for the official 'Tool Box', because we had to have somewhere to put all the tools.  After that, we called it a day.  It was a great afternoon!  And I don't think we did too bad!  Hopefully Nathan will like his 'stuff'.

30 Seconds to Mars-Raleigh Ampitheater (in the rain)

The girls found out that 30 Seconds to Mars was coming to Raleigh about a week before.  So I got tickets.  Caitlen was supposed to go but ended up getting grounded so I had an extra ticket.  This seemed to be the week for concerts!  Chris didn't get to go to Steve Miller Band Wednesday night, but I did tell him that one of Allison's friends backed out (she was grounded) that if he wanted to go, I had an extra ticket. 

Allison ended up taking one of her friends!  It had been overcast all day but ended up a heavy misty rain that evening.  They said it was going to quit, but basically, it never did.  It was also 30 degrees colder than it was yesterday!  In the 50's.  I stay so freaking cold all the time, outside in the rain, multiple layers on, and Im still freezing!

I grabbed Lauren and of course, Allison stuck her hand in the picture.  You know, they are too big to have pictures taken with their mother.  Even if she bought the tickets, drove, bought t-shirts, etc.  I don't believe I was ever like that. 

Of course I did get a picture with Allison and her tongue.  And don't look too close, I think she's actually laughing! ha ha ha.  All in all we had a great night despite the weather.  The seats were good.  We will definately be attending more concerts here this summer!

The Steve Miller Band-Kokobooth Ampitheater (with the peeps)

Mark had mentioned about a month ago getting Steve Miller Band tickets.  I said, sure, get me 2.  I hopes that I could get Chris to go.  Chris ended up on his call week and couldn't get anyone to cover his call so Tres ended up going.  Linda ran the Shift Leader meeting since 3 Shift Leaders were going to the concert.  We met in the parking lot and ended up putting the speaker phone on to listen to the meeting.  ha ha.. Such dedicated Shift Leaders!  They do ROCK!

 We had planned on riding over in my car, but when Cindy pulled up in the convertible, I nominated her car.  The weather was PERFECT for riding with your top down!

 Tres and I before the wind-blown look!  Next time, Im bringing the freeze spray for Tres' hair.  Can't have any spike look for Steve Miller, ha ha ha

 We do clean up fairly well, don't we?  Not too bad of a look!~  This was going to be a great evening.  When we got there, there weren't that many people there.  We picked out a spot and 10 minutes later these chairs came.  Really?  Can we ever get away from work?  I did tell the gang that I was going to ask Chad where we could get some, then we would never have to leave work!

 So I have heard about Mindy forever, but never actually met her.  Kind of like my  husband!  We talk, text and communicate through his 2nd wife, but Ive never met him! ha ha ha

 Before Greg Allhman started, everyone seemed to arrive.  It was full but not overly crowded.  Everyone still had plenty of room to move around.  Kind of nice.  I had never been to a concert here, but it was great.  We already saw the lineup for this season and I think we are looking at getting Huey Lewis and the News and making another 'work' outing of it!  Theres a long story with the lady and man standing up!  Too much to write, but let me just say it was like watching 3 sitcoms during the entire concert.  They went from the Newlyweds, to Cheaters, to Who am I going home with?  It was hilarious!

 Of course, I had to get my signature shot.  Love it!

 The work peeps!  We did enjoy our evening.  Despite Mark taking pictures every 30 seconds!  I think everyone had a great time~!  Wish Chris would have been here....

 Not sure who Mark was imitating or if Tres' hand had grabbed Marks butt, but it was a good shot anyways!

 Tres, get some Vitamin D!  And bring on the next concert!

Toto....I don't think we are in Kansas...

 Saturday, April 16 there were weather warnings, but I don't think anyone in the area or even the state knew what was coming.  This state sees its fair share of Hurricanes and even sporadic tornados but nothing compared to what came through late Saturday afternoon.  From the house we saw rain that was sideways, and trees moving like wet noodles, but didn't see anything down or damage.  Lots of high winds.

Even watching hockey play-offs, they only broke in with the normal alarms.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.  Until afterward when the destruction was visible.

 Totally unbelievable for Raleigh and the surrounding areas.  Multiple tornados ripped through North Carolina quickly.  Below is the Lowes Home Improvement store in Sanford.  They were open when it came through.  Not one fatality even though the store and every car in the parking lot was destroyed!

 This is a picture of South Saunders Street coming from downtown toward I-440.  This is less than 5 miles from my house.  I didn't see it until last night driving home from work.  Seeing it in person takes your breath away.

 Buildings that once stood are completely gone.  You can't even tell what was there before.

 This is continuing down South Saunders Street. 

 The building withstood the wind and rain, however, the cars weren't so lucky!  This is across from Wake Med.  One tornado came directly down Yonkers Road.  For some reason, I don't think people parked that way.

 Nothing like search and rescue! 

 Pictures do not do anything justice than actually seeing it in person!  Totally creepy!

Really, the dumpster up above the ground?  Not sure where the boat was....for all we know, it was in water when the tornado started...

Siding, insulation, cars were everywhere!  A Sanford yearbook from the 70's was found in Raleigh.  Totally creepy!

The Sanford Lowes Home Improvement store.  What must have gone through everyones mind when this happened.  Every single car in the parking lot was totalled.  Police went around afterward and sprayed a neon 'X' on all the cars that had been checked for fatalies.

The famous Raleigh "Acorn".  If you have seen the Nickelback video "Rockstar", you have seen it!

What a crazy week!  And for some reason.... we aren't in Kansas.  I couldn't imagine living in any part of the country where tornados are the 'norm'.  No way!

Going nowhere.....fast

Yep, we have reached 7 weeks!  No, Im not talking about pregnancy.  Guess Im doing ok.  As well as ok can be.  I have great friends, I try to keep positive thoughts, and do realize every day how proud I am of myself for seeing myself how I was and how I am today.  Hopefully, time will heal!

Totally hilarious.....

Im not sure how I found this guy....but he is hilarous.  This and the Eminem video makes me laugh everytime I watch it.  I posted it on FB.  Notice how no one is really 'shocked' on the streets of NYC.  Typical...FREAKS!  Enjoy!

Countdown to the Cruise...4 months, 29 days

Yep, can you believe it?  There are alot of people expressing interest this year.  Yippee!  Rooms are booked, Canada is going.  I put it out there that I would have to kidnap Chris, but not sure how that is going to turn out.  Sean said he would go if Chris goes.  Guess he doesn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of women all week.  Oh well.  I have until mid-June to confirm my 2nd passenger.  So everyone, keep your fingers crossed!  Im sure time will fly by and we will be packing before you know it.  We defintely are already looking at booking the Oasis or the Allure for 2012.  7-nights Eastern Caribbean, here we come!  Don't worry, we will update as we can!  Its going to be a BLAST!

Memories...

Running through pics, I ran across Chris' brothers bday party a few years ago. We had just started actually 'dating'. I was so happy! We were so happy! I hope we can get back to that place. I don't think I ever smiled so much in my life as I did during the 3 years with Chris!

My confidant....Only YOU!

I have a friend that we may go days or even weeks without talking outside of work and then I need someone to listen, there she is. No questions, just a great ear! Aside from being the best photographer I know, married to my husband, and has a great design sense, Im sort of her boss! Makes life tough. Im not sure when Emilee and I really got to know each other more than co-workers, boss type relationship, but its a great friendship. There aren't many people I open up to, well, practically noone, but Emilee passes no judgement, doesn't really give advice (unless I ask) but just listens, really listens. Most of my best friends are scattered throughout the country: Texas, Florida, West Virginia. So its nice to have some peeps here that make me feel not so alone. Took these today at work. Emilee was adhering to the new Noise Reduction Policy that was effective this week. The slipper-proof socks that were ordered havent arrived yet. However, Emilee was making hers unique-because thats how she rolls. She had everyone sign them. And to beat it all, she got them on OVER her shoes! There is a reason we are friends. I hope this friendship builds for years to come! I love you Emilee! Couldn't get through life without you~!

Yeah....I did!

Nancy says to me "I thought you were dating someone?". "Yeah, I was for about 3 years" was my reply. "What happened" she asked? I responded "I was too big of a b****." Yep, that about sums it up. She then follows up with "I thought you would be married." "Yeah, I probably would have been had I not screwed it up."

Why couldn't someone have hit me over the head a year ago? Why was I so blind when everyone else saw what was in my heart?

Beth says "I think I like the softer side, French". Really? I guess you are never too old to learn something, huh? Even if I am only 29!~

So proud of you...

Thats what Beth told me. She has been keeping updated with the Chris saga. She said "Wow, you have really opened up, I am so proud of you." Guess she never thought she would see the day! Its amazing how one issue can really change someone. To make you see what is really important. Everything I thought was important and what I wanted, wasn't. I do think that it took this experience to make me realize what was important. Im not sure if I hadn't been faced with this ordeal that I would have really 'gotten it'. I do think it was meant for me to go through this. It really makes me see what is important. Its a whole different outlook on everything. Everything else was nice, but if the foundation isn't there, it isn't the same. Someone, today, is proud of me! :)

"Coming together is a beginning.

Keeping together is progress.

Working together is success."

-Henry Ford