Go with your 1st thought....always!

We had a blast on the cruise. I had originally asked Chris to go and he agreed. Then I changed the offer. What is wrong with me? I continue to do this ALL THE FREAKIN TIME! I got the nerve up to ask him, then I almost immediately started talking myself out of it. Those feeling inside me scare the hell out of me. Why? It is feelings I have never had before. Why are they so scary? Why should great feelings be so scary? I think its because it makes me confront them and deal with them. Its definately easier for me to hide them than deal with them. Anyways, we went and had a great time. Even spending a week with my mother! ha ha. But deep down, all I thought of was 'what if Chris had been here'. Almost every moment was referencing how it would have been if Chris had been with us. How that would have been perfect! How do you look at someone and make them understand they mean the world to you. How do you express how valuable they are to your life. I wish so much that I hadn't thrown my hands up, that I had just talked to Chris. When I told him in the beginning I would have married him, I meant it. I had never said that before. And deep down, I still wish that wish will come true! I try alot to call him or text him and before I know it, Ive closed the phone or cancelled the call. Why? What am I so afraid of? Honestly, I think because I don't think he would ever feel for me the way I feel for him. How much I care, could never be turned toward me, right? I couldn't imagine. At the great age of 29, Ive yet to experience that. Marriage for me wasn't what any girl dreams of. That relationship wasn't what any girls dreams of. But what I dream of with Chris and myself, its perfect. But like they say, Im in my own little world! Yep, that about sums it up!