The Wall...my Wall

There are many "Great Wall"s around the world. Some nice and some not so nice. Some still stand and some do not. Mine, for whatever reason, seems to stay. I have a serious problem with letting people in. I guess I feel that if I don't let anyone in, then I won't get hurt. Because everytime I do, I end up getting hurt in the end.

The relationship between Chris and I didn't start off as a 'relationship'. He just came over to help with the 400. One thing led to another and then before you know it, we were an 'item'. Within six months I knew I would marry him in a heartbeat and I told him so. Guess I should have kept my mouth shut. His response was 'we needed time to get to know each other'. Well, we have known each other for 15 years. Heck, what else was there to get to know.

Fast forward 3 years later, we weren't anywhere down the path of life than what I wanted. I didn't think he was ever going to 'know me' enough and deep down, didn't think marriage was what he wanted. When Rod left, I didn't think I would ever want a part of marriage again. That was until I met Chris.

We kind of held the relationship together through January/February 2010. We have kept in touch here and there, but I always knew he was in the back of my heart and maybe, just maybe he would come and say "Michelle, this is stupid, why are we apart". I dove back into work. Between Wake and Rex Im clocking 70-90 hours a week. Lori had tried to set me up with a Detective in DC, and while I thought 'ok', I kept faith out that Chris would come through. I just felt like time apart would make us both realize what was important.

I kept replaying what his sister told him when she re-married her ex-husband. When I asked Chris why, he said that she told him 'I woke up one day and wanted my family back'. Even though Chris and I didn't have a family together, thats what I thought maybe he would want.

So all in all, my wall continues to shut people out, very important people. How do I take it down?

A lunch date

Chris called this week and wanted to catch up over lunch/dinner. Wasn't sure what my schedule was like, so I was going to have to get back to him. He asked and immediately 1,000,000 thoughts race through my mind. Can I just open up and tell him how I feel? Anyways, I ended up leaving work around 1600 and dialed his number and stopped probably 5 times before just hitting the 'call' button. I told him that I hadn't eaten lunch and was going to stop by Which Wich for lunch and then heading home and did he want to meet me there. He did! I guess thats a good sign? I went ahead and ordered and then he showed up. Butterflies race through me just looking at him. Why does everything shut down and the wall come up when feelings start to emerge? Why? Just say something! We talked over 45-60 minutes. Everything seemed ok. How exactly do you start the conversation of 'lets get back together', 'marry me'? How does that exactly roll off your tongue? Needless to say, it didn't. What is wrong with me? Why do I stay so guarded to someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with? Hasn't there been enough time that has gone by? Can't he just see how much he makes me feel like a 18 year old? If he only knew!

2011 Ecuador Kick-Off Meeting

Finally got the dates for Ecuador this year about 2 months ago. After last year, I was excited to be able to take Allison this year. More than anything to let her see how other parts of the world live. That not ALL kids have cell phones, televisions or even electricity. I had mentioned this trip to Chris last year because I thought maybe he could go and be a part of the construction team. But as you know we hardly talk. Thats a whole other blog paragraph! So after updating Facebook (of course) Diane writes me back telling me to 'save me a seat'. Was she coming? Last year after updating FB, she left me a message and said she had a friend that was on the same trip. Finally after 5 days, we met. Weird, huh? As you can see Allison feels right at home! They passed out scrabble letters when you signed in. Low and behold, here comes Diane. Yeah! Said she wanted to come and check it out! I mean, really, who needs a new refridgerator? This is way more exciting. So here we go....they lectured about the trip, how much it was going to cost, what teams where going when, etc. Then the contest was on....each person had to met other people and make 4 letter words. The top 3 people with the most words won either $50 off their trip fee, their exit tax fee or an Ice Cream Sundae in the restaurant in the hotel we stay at. Of course, I want the 3rd place, Ice Cream. Its THE BEST! Between Lauren, Allison, Diane and I here are our letters: Purple Haze Brad! It was so good to see him. We were planning our strategies for our team this year. And of course, introducing everyone! Cherine wasn't able to make it so I picked her packet up. There was a video feed to a team in Alabama that is going with us this year. Looks like we may have close to 200 people. We found Betsy, up front of course. We, of course, are the back row peeps! Wow, what a trip it would be. Even if Diane chooses to go with the construction team.

This beats a refridgerator anyday! Next meeting: March 7. See you then!