Talking to Belinda on the cruise, it was funny because in a random conversation she said "I couldn't see you NOT letting your feelings out....thats the only Michelle I know". I have changed. Alot of things have changed me. I think for a better person. Its sad that Chris lets his fear dictate his life. I don't expect the perfect relationship and any relationship is going to have its negatives and positives, however, if you are both willing to try, Im not sure how you could go wrong. Bull and Jenn got married a few months back....Bull has heard a shortened version of my feelings for Chris, our relationship and the last 9 months and one thing Bull said to me was "I used to be a player...do you know when I knew Jenn was the one?.... She was the first woman I could completely be myself". Wow. Very powerful for sure. I remembered that statement. I'm not sure Chris can be 'himself' with anyone. I think he is so afraid to let out exactly how he feels. I have asked numerous times over the first 5 months of the year that if he felt that we couldn't be together one day, to just tell me...to look me in the eyes and tell me ..because I needed to hear it. He has never said it. The one thing he did say that I will never forget is : 'don't count me out forever...just count me out for now'. That is very powerful too.
I have made multiple attempts at trying to get time with him. I have texted, emailed, etc and I get little to nothing in return. Kind of sad when we have known each other for more than 20 years, were together for almost 3 and the fact that I told him I would marry him in a heartbeat 6 months into our relationship. Kind of hard to go back and act like those three years never happened. I guess what hurts is knowing that we had talked marriage, kids, houses, life, etc and he makes me feel like our relationship was something like in high-school. Maybe to him it was. So I guess thats why the picture at the top, is something I tell myself every day...because the Chris I knew and loved would not have just ignored or forgotten me like he has. He would have made time, would have called, etc. so in reality it means exactly what the picture says. It means nothing to him.
I guess he wants me to be the one that lets go, moves on and doesn't bother him any more. I know my friends and family want that. They are all upset with him because of how this has gone. They all, ultimately, want me to be happy, and if was meant to be with him, they would be ecstatic, but if not, they all feel that he owed me to tell me and not string me along.
I am a great person. I have a great family, have alot to offer and going through what I have and wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone, the person I am meant to be with will be the luckiest person in the world. I still hold nothing back and will speak the truth and Im not afraid to tell others how I feel.